the source of worry

After several days (maybe on and off, weeks) of mounting anxiety over a variety of things in my life, I experienced a break in the clouds yesterday. I think this whole worry/anxiety thing is one part human nature and one part nurturing - as in, my Mom taught me to worry. I can remember her stomach always being upset and her regular comments about not sleeping much the night before because she couldn't turn off her mind. I love sleep and food so much these things often puzzled me. Worry isn't a new habit for me, mind you, just one I seem to be spending a good deal of time more fully developing... as if it were a skill.

So, yesterday - I worked from home which provides quiet and lots of productive hours, but also lacks clear starts and stops to my workday thus resulting in overtime. After 8 hours of work I took a break and burst into tears - not about work, but about life in general. Lately I find myself suddenly overwhelmed with sorrow, exhaustion, doubt and frustration. It almost always results in tears, but God has been faithful to comfort me quickly and surround me with the truth. Last night I listened to a sermon by one of our pastors, John Standridge, and I don't mean to sound all mystical but it had an immediate calming effect on me. It wasn't easy to listen to, but it was just exactly what I needed to hear and I'm so thankful for it. [you can listen to it here - it was from Jan. 9th]

I decided I need to take a break from Facebook for a couple of weeks. This is a really pathetic confession, but it was keeping me company and raising my anxiety exponentially at the same time. I love seeing what is going on with people and I've always loved being connected to people, but there was something about it that started to feel frantic and compulsive. I don't want to sit in my living room and hang out with people virtually through Facebook. I need to actually live my life. It did instantly reduce my anxiety last night - of course, because I wasn't glued to my laptop I also went to the gym and then caught up on the phone with a friend and went to bed early to read -- so you might say it was less about being on Facebook as it was about all the other things I wasn't doing.

My anxiety isn't about Facebook, really. It is about my obsession with the future and wanting to control what will happen to me - when and how - but never being able to . My anxiety is from my unbelief that God is not only in control, but that he loves me - is on my side - and offers me peace that is unshakeable because it rests on his kindness and faithfulness to me. So, here's to spending a little more time with Jesus right now and a little less with my personal fan club.