Yesterday my pastor said that at the core of our sin is a posture that is caved inward toward oneself. That imagery keeps floating around my head. Caved inward. Doesn't it sound kind of grotesque?
Later he said that there is nothing more bitter to one that is caved inward than gratitude. Gut meet fist.
I'm ashamed to admit how many times I have actively refused to be thankful. I know it will pull me out of myself and fill me with something more satisfying than the object of my latest tantrum and yet I flip the bird at it. Seriously - it isn't just a casual indifference - it is an outright rebellious, ugliness from the inside that is crying out about all the things I think I deserve.
I don't want to flip off Jesus... not really. I always feel instantly worse when I'm in this place and now I know why. As Rick said, gratitude is the most bitter thing to someone who is immersed in their own sin and rejecting the grace they already possess.
How tragic that thankfulness can taste bitter at all.. but it does and in those moments I pray that I can become more like Abraham - that I can turn and run back to where last met Jesus and I can worship him. My instinct is to always vow to do better, shake it off and start fresh on Monday. All I have to do is call on the name of the Lord - that's it! Isn't that incredible?!
This God we serve is so overwhelmingly outrageous.
2 comments:
Wow, that is so painfully true of myself. How many times have I decided to idolize my suffering rather than they obvious things in front of my face to be thankful for? It seems easier to focus on what isn't right or injust in life, somehow? How sinful and shameful. I've never turned that around and looked inward, but he is absolutely right that it is sinful and full of narcissism. Thank you for sharing this insight. Love you!
Biz, I didn't know you were blogging again. So glad I came here and can read more about what is going on in your head. This is right on! You know I've said it before...keep a list. Even if it's very short at first. It will snowball. I've had to make myself do it since moving.
Love you!
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