Where is your God now?

On Saturday, February 20, 2016, we began to grieve the loss of our third baby. I've been pregnant three times in a year, but have no tiny fingers and toes to kiss. Where was God when my babies were knit together in a way that wouldn't enable them to live outside my womb?

Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of losing my mom to leukemia. Where was God when her broken body gave up decades before she was done mothering?

Are you walking alongside us and wondering the same? So much heartache and death, it's a natural place for your heart to go. Perhaps recalling where I've seen God show up will help.

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My mom's health took a rapid decline around the time I moved to Boston in January 2006. After a few weeks here, I secured a temp job as a receptionist on the top floor of the State Street building downtown. The week before my mom's death I shared with my boss I was expecting it soon. She cried with me while sharing her own mom had died the previous October. I was in Texas for two weeks while my mom died and services were held for her. My temp boss paid me for the full two weeks. God's mercy.

In those first weeks in my new city I met two very special women - Emily & Gretchen. They hosted a small group Bible study for women through the church to which I had visited once before going home to be with my mom. They sent flowers to the funeral and received me back to Boston with incredible care. Week after week I cried when they asked how I was doing. I'll never forget them saying they would never tire of me speaking of my sorrow, and 10 years later I am thankful to say they never have. God's kindness. 

Over the past 10 years, I've met so many of you who are newer to the club for those who have lost a loved one, and especially a parent. You have shared your stories with me and let me cry with you as I've shared mine. You have reminded me of the fresh sting after someone you love dies. If you've lost someone close, you know that accessing that deep sorrow becomes more difficult over time but is somehow sweet. I welcome opportunities to visit with that old friend, because with it comes the reminder that healing comes in many forms over time. God's tenderness. 

Throughout my life I watched my mom struggle financially, and assumed I would live paycheck to paycheck with mounds of debt, too. My student loans seemed an unforgiving beast, and I carried anxiety over money for as long as I can remember. A few years ago, I received an inheritance which enabled me to pay off my student loans, buy a car that wouldn't breakdown on a Texas highway, travel to far parts of the world, and move back to Boston. I still can't believe I am debt free. God's generosity. 

Within a few weeks of my return to Boston in January 2014, I met this guy from Washington state through a mutual friend he met at a bus stop. He swept me off my feet -- I had no idea that actually happens. It can. It did. My past with men is riddled with heartache, unrequited love, and misguided hope. I wasn't sure I'd ever be loved as much as I knew I was capable of loving someone else. I have met my match in Corey. God's goodness. 

And finally, we invited you into our story this year to share our joy in the news of three precious lives being formed and in our sorrow in those lives ending before we could know their names. You have matched our vulnerability in sharing your stories with us, encouraged us, grieved with us and prayed for us. You have loved us so well. You have celebrated with us when we were afraid, given us space to grieve, hoped for us when we were too weak, fed and sheltered us. God's faithfulness. 

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I miss my mom. I miss my babies. I hate death. 

But God, has a plan to make all sad things come untrue. He sent his son, Jesus, to reconcile us to himself so we could live at peace in eternity, but also to live in freedom on this side of heaven. We are free to mourn, free to celebrate, free to express our frustration and pain, free to weep, free to cheer, free to ask, "where are you?!" and free to worship. In the midst of grief and sorrow, when I see God's mercy, kindness, tenderness, generosity, goodness, and faithfulness it causes my heart to sing thanksgiving for his gracious love. 

If I look too closely at my pain, then I will see it magnified. But when I remember God showing up, my heart is softened. It is nearly impossible to be bitter, angry, and self-pitying when you are giving thanks. It does not mean we are not sad, but the sadness makes room for our hearts to also be glad. And that, my dear friends, is by the grace of God alone.

Thank you for loving us this year. We praise God for your friendship.