Are you a flee, the fanfare, or the faithful?

In the midst of grieving many people have a hard time knowing what to do with you. From my experience, there are a few typical responses to a grieving loved one. This is not an absolute idea- just my experience and the experience of a few other people I know who have grieved.

First, you have the person that just simply disappears. These people receive word of the event that caused grief, but they never respond in any way. They often times do not even discuss the grieving loved one with other people connected to them. I call them the "flees."
This particular person understandably freezes and flees in light of grief. Often they decide in advance that they are ill-equipped to support someone who is hurting. In many cases, flees have attempted to support someone in the past and believe they failed miserably. Fear of failure keep them away from hurting people. In other cases, they are people who do not emotionally connect with loss and have no understanding of the need for people at a time like that.

Second, are the individuals who are there immediately after the event took place. This may come in the form of a card, voicemail, phone call, text message, email, cooked meal, or other outstretched expression of love. This group is identified as the "fanfare." These individuals make a world of a difference in the immediate aftermath of loss. They fill homes with flowers, food, and loving support. They make people feel acknowledged and validated in their pain.
The catch to the fanfare is that they are just that- fanfare. They are only involved and heard from within the first couple of months (sometimes only weeks or days) after a loss. After they have fulfilled their duty to outstretched their hand they vanish back into their own lives nowhere to be seen. In some cases the fanfare can make the transition back into everyday life harder for the person grieving as they become accustomed to the attention and grace being bestowed on them.
The fanfare is absolutely necessary as they often make up individuals who do not know the affected people personally. They are the cavalry riding in to provide support in the way of food and other things to the hurting. Without the fanfare grief would be a much more devastating and lonely part of the cycle of life.

Finally, we come to the "faithful." You can probably guess who these people are because they are still standing by when the dust settles. Typically they are personally and deeply connected to the hurting, so sticking around is less of a sacrifice for them. It is not to say that it is effortless for the faithful, as standing strong through the aftermath of loss is the most difficult role. It just means the decision to stick around may be easier for them.
This role requires a steadfastness that can really only come from the Lord. The person who continues to ask questions and give room for grieving long after the fanfare has gone home is a true blessing from God. The faithful are subjected to the ebb and flow of grief. They truly entered into suffering with the hurting and attempt to help carry the burden.

The categorizing of grief support is not to point fingers and make people feel bad. Rather it is to explore the motivations and reasoning that as human beings we retreat to one of these roles. In my experience I have been all three of these at one time or another. I have selectively chosen to whom I would be faithful and to whom I would flee. Often times I have gladly been someone's fanfare believing that I was a huge blessing to them at that moment. Oh, my pride and arrogance! Not to say that I was not a blessing to them, but in the reality of grief I now see that the real blessing is the people who bring Christ's love to the center of the pain. Those people who stand still while the hurting are roaming about trying to decide which way is up after being flipped upside down are not of this world.

How do we, as Christians, find a way to be the faithful even when we're more comfortable being the fanfare for someone? Meaning- how do we provide support as fanfare, but seek out opportunity to be faithful? In many cases those in the fanfare are also in the faithful as we will never know who continues to pray on our behalf after their casserole is eaten. I believe that in the midst of loss there are individuals who are gifted and called to be the fanfare. The families of the church that cook hot meals, the friends from afar that send flowers to surround the hurting with beauty, and the encouraging and loving emails and phone messages to lift spirits would be greatly missed if nobody was obedient to being fanfare. My question is how do we enter into suffering with other people so that our fanfare is perceived as faithfulness? How do we, as a community, encourage one another to serve each other more fully?

This all seems to head back to the idea of loving your neighbor as yourself.
Have you ever been the grieving person? If so, did you allow your grief only so long before you told it sit back down to move on in your life? Most likely not. So, if you allow your own grief over all kinds of loss (relationships, jobs, death, change, etc) to extend as long as needed how can we extend that same grace and mercy to our neighbors?