Sweet Potatoes & Slumber Parties

Thanksgiving has come & gone. We survived the first Thanksgiving without her, but I'm not sure how. I spent Thursday morning at the Turkey Trot 5K in downtown Dallas with my sister, nephew, and Dad. Afterward we cooked at Dad's and had a big lunch at 1pm instead of 4pm. We've had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at 4pm my entire life... but not this year. The food was good except the sweet potatoes that I needed to be perfect and the managed to mess up completely. They looked normal, but they weren't... maybe next year.

This whole new era of creating a new normal and making new traditions really sucks. I don't have a more intellectual way of putting it. I'm trying to be positive about the blessings in my life, but the truth of the matter is that I am really stinkin' sad. Thursday was not just the first Thanksgiving- it also marked 10 months since Mom stepped into Heaven. Friday was her birthday- she would have been 56. I suppose many would say that having her that long was a blessing, and I know they're right... but somehow it still just doesn't feel like enough time.

I've been so busy. I feel like this year has been a long double shift and I'm in the 10th hour of it and all I can think about is getting back to my apartment, taking my shoes off, and slipping into my bed for rest. I need rest. I don't mean a good night's sleep- though I think that would help considering it feels like it has been ages since I've had that. I mean real rest in my soul- that deep unwavering calm that fills me from head to toe until I feel like I'm floating. I had moments of it this summer... especially when we were in Acadia surrounded by Creation.

I miss my Mom.
I hear her voice in my sisters. I see her gestures in my Grandmother. I smell her perfume in her old blanket I keep in my favorite chair. I taste her baking in my weak attempts to follow in her footsteps. I dance to her music.

Oh, I miss her so.
I miss her hands. They were so soft and strong. I miss washing her hair in the kitchen sink before I gave her a trim. I miss getting onto her for rearranging the living room furniture alone. I miss her house- her bedroom- her bathroom... our home. I miss her purse- a travel medicine cabinet. I miss the grin of satisfaction when she would pop open a cold diet coke and take the first gulp. I miss her laughing at my crazy humor... she always thought I was so funny. I miss her honesty- her raw attitude never leaving anything unsaid. I miss those button up shirts with little flowers embroidered on them. I miss her nightshirts that swam around her small frame. I miss the spring in her step when she knew my Dad was coming over for dinner. I miss her random thoughtful gifts. I miss her knowing everything about all of us-- I miss being able to check in and find out what's up with the entire family. I miss the way she made life easy.

I'm terrified I'll forget. I'm so scared I'll let go of even one morsel of a memory of her. Perhaps I already have...

God have mercy on us this Christmas. I want so badly to run and hide. I want to simply skim over Christmas and pretend it isn't happening. How could we have Christmas without Mom? How can we bake and decorate cookies without her? How can we have a tree and living room decorations as insane as her? How can we bake a breakfast spread as well as her? How could we break all the budget rules like her? We can't be her, but we have to carry on traditions which requires us to take the lead and do things she has always done for us. I just don't want to- I want her to do it.
I want to watch her face as we enjoy her cookie buffet and the sparkle in her eye when we open her creative presents we told her not to get us.

Gretchen told me the other day that this first year of grief is a sacred year. I think I understand that... I think I'll always look back on this year with an deeper knowledge of God's unfailing and relentless love. I know I'll see the evidence of his provision and faithfulness in the friendships and opportunities he's provided all of us this year. ... but at the end of the day - thankful and all - I am still just sad. When will that change?