I'm a Motherless Daughter

June hasn't been easy.

Summer months bring news of weddings and births - all of which are reminders that I'm a motherless daughter. Having this title is somewhat empowering. I feel like being able to call myself something other than explaining that my Mom died is so much more satisfying. It takes people a second to get it- which I also like.

When will reality set in? When will I talk about her and not feel like my heart is being ripped open? Ever? I still have these crazy moments where I just can't believe it's true that she's gone. Even worse there are times I feel like it was a dream she was ever here at all. I wish I had taken more pictures- more video - more soundbites. I have so few ways to call up the feeling of her being near. She just feels so far away and it makes me feel like I'm breathing through a straw.

Monday I went to a group for Motherless Daughters. It was intense and good. I sat among other women who understood my suffering in a very specific way. It was overwhelming. I found myself feeling so satisfied and so broken all at once.

A couple weeks ago my counselor started this activity with me of talking through my family tree. We started with grandparents and then parents- now we're on siblings. These conversations have been so jarring. I have been remembering things about my Mom, and other family members, that I haven't thought about maybe ever.
Let me tell you a few things about my Mom...

She grew up in Southern California and in every sense of the word was a California Girl all her life. She loved the sun, outdoors and most of all bodies of water. From a young age she displayed gifts in the arts and throughout her life proved time and again that she was blessed as an artist. She painted, decorated cakes, sewed her own clothes, created porcelain dolls... and the list goes on and on. Any artsy thing she tried she mastered. Oh how I wish I had been blessed with this trait!
I got other parts of her, though. She was wonderfully supportive when all the chips were down. If the most earth shattering event occurred you could count on Mom to keep everyone calm and start a game plan of how to deal with it. She didn't handle the little bumps as well... a similarity in me.
Her laugh was loud and unapologetic. She never withheld a giggle and always provided the best audience for my off the wall comments.
If she was upset with you - you knew it. Not because she would fly off the handle, but because she would give you the silent treatment. This drove me so crazy! :)
If she asked you to vacuum the living room and you didn't drop what you were doing and plug the vacuum in you would find her doing it herself. Ah! This made us nuts, too! :) She always said we could have our rooms as messy as we wanted so long as the door was closed and we kept the main living spaces picked up. She wasn't a clean freak, but the house had to always be presentable for the unexpected guest. If I left shoes out in the den- which I did OFTEN - I would be woken up at 5:30am as she got ready for the day... oh no, she didn't knock and ask me to pick up my shoes- she would throw them at my bedroom door bringing me out of sleep with a jolt. How I never in a million years thought I'd miss some of these things.

The most remarkable thing about my Mom was her courage. She hardly ever complained. She worked her entire life around making sure we were well taken care of and mothered by her- even as adults. She modeled compassion and unending generosity for us. From taking in stray cats to stray teen friends who needed a place to crash, she always loved without apology.

She was generous with her resources. I remember going to Target on the weekends and the open invitations to put things in the basket we wanted/needed. At times I'd feel bad and remove an item and she would almost get offended telling me, "Put that back in there - you need it I'll get it for you- it's fine." There wasn't even a discussion about it- it was almost an order.

I know that ultimately I am God's creation alone, but I can't believe how loving he was in choosing my Mom for me knowing she would shape who I would be one day. All the flaws and issues included - I have had such a charmed life. I have been intensely loved... deeply cared for... and immensely encouraged by this one woman. Kathleen.

Someday I will see her again and I will have so much to tell her. I will tell her all the ways she did the right thing and I will thank her for all the sacrifices she made.
I am a motherless daughter on this earth right now... for this season... but in the perspective of eternity it is just a blip on the screen. I have a mother and she's wonderful.... and I miss her everyday.