"I love you, but not just beacuse you're single."

The title of this entry is a quote from my roommate, Gretchen. It would seem that we're down on singleness this weekend... week... month. ha! Well, I'd like to start with a disclaimer: I am convinced I will be married one day.

On to the point...

Here's the thing about singleness - it changes. When I lived in Texas & Arkansas my singleness was different than in Boston, and this year it is different from last year. Let me explain, this time last year I had spent the most incredible summer/fall with a group of about eight friends. We would meet just about weekly to get drinks at our favorite local pub, watch movies together, cook dinner, host parties, go on road trips and generally spend time hanging out and building one another up.

This year, however, a few of the people in that group have coupled up and are no longer "all in" if you will. Now, I realize this is the natural progression of things and I am overjoyed at their blessings in love, but that doesn't mean it is easy being on this side of things.

The truth is that every time one of your close friends gets married or has a child things change in your friendship. The degree to which they change depends on a number of factors, but the truth remains that they change. It is inevitable, necessary, and to some extent exciting, but also a tough pill for those of us still on the other side of the line. We sit patiently doing our best to keep the faith that our day will come, but all the while we're saying goodbye to the intimacy of our closest relationships on a daily basis. It starts out subtle, but eventually becomes painstakingly clear that your relationship is forever altered. I know change is good... blah blah blah... but it is also hard.

My roommate, Emily, is getting married this coming Saturday. If you knew the whole story you would throw your hands up and praise the Lord... it is a really awe-inspiring love story. But I'm sad she's leaving us. I'm sad she's moving in with him and that she isn't going to be here in the morning drinking coffee and keeping us all from getting to work on time because we spend time chatting instead of brushing our hair. I'm sad that she won't be here when I'm having a hard day and need to come home to her wisdom and grace. I'm going to miss her and I think Gretchen and I are just starting to realize how much. We haven't talked about it up until this point in part because we've been in shock by the entire change of status in Em's love life. God is so good!

We sit here a week from the wedding and we're in need of a roommate and yet nobody can fill Em's shoes. Nobody fits just right.

I don't want to keep losing friends to new relationships and life phases. I want to be in the phases my friends are so we can go through it together. It's hard to be left waiting. There are many complicated layers to this, of course, but it just boils down to our longing to be loved by a man and united with him for all this life happening. When your team is your single pals and they start new teams you're really left with shaky ground... it's tough.

In addition to this problem is the powerful drive to seek a solution on our own. I'm not saying that dating websites aren't bringing people together and that God isn't using them to glorify himself in marriages... he is, I know this first hand. I am saying that I don't want it to be my story. I don't want to shop around and put out an ad on myself so some guy can decide if I'm super based on a few questions I answered and the best picture I could find. I don't want to sit by a computer and hope someone is interested or risk feeling like a complete loser if nobody ever pursues based on the small information they're given. I just want to be known... and to know someone. I want to be a friend and know the same people- or at least have the opportunity to know the same people. I want to live near each other so we don't have to travel long distances to get to know each other face-to-face. I want God to bring him into my life in such a clear way that I have no other choice than to say "Glory to God!" I know me well enough to know that if there's a way for me to try to share the spotlight with God, I'll give it a go. It is a pathetic admission, but true none the less.

Alright, so there's my pity party post. ;)

I know God is preparing me and my husband so that our love, marriage and family brings Him immeasurable amounts of glory. I look forward to that most of all! I wait expectantly with great anticipation for God to continue writing my story. I need more patience and probably more faith, if I'm honest.