tomorrows.

I find it hard to live in today. Unlike some people, I hardly spend time wandering into yesterday, but with ease focus on tomorrow. Did this begin in the sixth grade when my parents split and my Mom was first diagnosed with leukemia? Tomorrow always looked better than today. In some ways I'm struggling with that still being true.

The yesterdays for me hold pain that I don't readily immerse myself into, but oh the tomorrows hold things like success, marriage, children and heaven.

We do this activity in the classroom where we ask students to think about their tomorrows. We call it "Goals & Dreams." Many teens today don't think about where they want their life to be and how the choices they make now will affect them later. At the top of this dreams pyramid is the "happily ever after." We ask them who they'll be with, where they'll live, what will they be doing and other goals.

What was my happily ever after? When I was growing up my happily ever after always involved a boyfriend/husband. I think it still does, but now there's more reality mixed in there. I always imagined I'd live in a big house and have lots of kids, just like my Mom.

Here I am at 28 and I'm single. In the spring I went to visit this one counselor before I found the one I'd keep for the year. Her name was Effie and after I spoke for a few minutes about my family history she asked me, "Why are you single?" I was shocked. I laughed and said, "Well, you could answer that just as easily as I could. I have no idea - this is just where God has me right now." She went on about how beautiful I was and that I should be with someone, no problems. At first it seemed flattering, but then she got to what she thought was the reason I was single... "You have intimacy issues," she said. Intimacy issues?! Me?! If I have intimacy issues it is letting people in too far before I know if they can be trusted, right? I am an open book- I speak candidly about my own life, flaws and yearnings. How in the world could I have intimacy issues?

I had a dream a week ago, right before Emily's wedding, and Kristen and I decided it might be worth analyzing, so maybe you can help me. Here's the scenario - I was with Kristen at my own wedding and I was frantic that I was marrying the wrong man. I was sobbing and telling her I didn't know who he was and I couldn't marry him. In my dream I didn't recognize this guy either- I have no idea who he was. I was so upset and she kept saying, "Liz, you love him. It's okay - you're going to marry him." But I was freaking out because it felt like he was some stranger off the street. Then suddenly Kristen and I were running in this forest -- kind of like we were running from something, so maybe I was the runaway bride, who knows - anyway there were a number of friends from my church community running too. The forest floor was covered in snakes and we had to try to run all the way through without getting bit. Kristen got bit, but the snake was young and didn't actually harm her. I, however, came out the other side completely victorious because I had made it through without a snake bite.

Kristen asked me if her getting bit in the dream was that she's married and I made it through without. Yikes! I can't explain where this dream came from either because I didn't watch any weird tv that night with snakes. (usually I can trace pieces-- and clearly the wedding piece is understandable). So, what in the world does that dream mean? Anything? I'm not so new age that I think it has to mean something, but it did make me think.

Effie explained that she thought having grown up in a family of five kiddos with loving parents who couldn't make it work triggered something in me that says nothing can make it work. Five kids wasn't enough for my parents to fight for their marriage and reconcile on this side of Heaven, so what makes me think I'll have any more success? Then I come to this question of do I think marriages ever work? Do I believe that marriage is forever?

I spend a lot of time thinking about how great marriage would be for the "right now" but not a lot of time thinking about the longterm commitment, the covenant. I had this weird thought last night - maybe I shouldn't share it! - but you know I can't help myself. Anyway, I was thinking about what if I end up with a terminal disease. What if I get married, have kids and end up with a disease like my Mom and so many other people. Will I have a marriage that can withstand that? When a bride and groom say "in sickness and in health" do they have an image in their heads that forces them to glimpse the gravity of that promise?

Maybe I do have intimacy issues. I mean, I guess we all do, right? It seems unfathomable that someone would want to invest and commit to me for life. What Effie said made me think of something else, too... I control, or try to, to what degree I am open with others. At a young age I realized that when people ask, "How are you?" they are merely saying hello. I withdrew and kept certain things to myself that I didn't think anyone could handle but me. When I was asked how my Mom was doing I gave just enough information with a touch of emotion to convince the audience I was coping, dealing and healthy. I didn't want to need people. I was processing and working through it on my own. How in the world did I fool so many adults, though? I was just a kid. In many ways my adolescents felt very lonely because I spent all this energy making sure that nobody else carried my burdens but me. I released so many friends from the expectations of caring for me. I still try to do this, but thankfully God has given me friends who see through it and don't allow me to get away with it. I am so tempted to keep the deepest sorrow to myself, but it ends up feeling like a volcano ready to burst. Life is hard. We can't manage it alone and we can't carry all our burdens ourselves- it isn't how we're designed.

We're all sinners - we're all depraved. But we also have Christ in us and that's got to count for something, right?

I didn't go back to Effie. Not because her intimacy issues stamp on my forehead was so shameful I couldn't face her again, but because she really didn't listen to me- she spent about 40 min of the hour talking and it just didn't feel like counseling. Then again, maybe it was because she said I have intimacy issues. :P

I have these days where nothing sounds better than tomorrow and then other days when all I want to do is stop and not move one step forward (typically Sundays when I'm facing another week of work haha). I need more faith to live for today. I need to repent of my longings for tomorrow. Jesus said each day has enough troubles for itself and if we're not supposed to live in the past or the future the only option is in the day we're standing in... is there anyone out there who manages this? If so, I'd love to hear from you. How in the world do you do it?