I realize this is a two post day, but I've got a lot on my mind, so I hope you'll excuse the excessive writing.
Alright, so we're all familiar with the term "friends with benefits" right? I'll assume so. Well, it occurred to me today that there is a Christian version of this and it has infiltrated the church at an alarming rate. Let me define it first...
Friends with Benefits, Christian-Style: When a single man and a single woman engage in an intimate friendship without any romantic involvement.
How to tell if you're in a C-Friends with Benefits relationship:
1. Do you spend a lot of time talking to/chatting with this "friend"?
2. Do other people think something "more" is going on in your relationship with this "friend"?
3. Have you found yourself wondering when this "friend" will wake up and notice you- ask you out?
4. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about this "friend" and when you might see/talk to them next?
5. Do you habitually mention things this "friend" has said or done when telling stories to other people?
6. Do you plan social outings & events around the hope that this "friend" will come and it will be the moment they'll see you in the right light?
7. Do you think about this "friend" when you're picking out your outfit for the day?
8. Have you gotten defensive or upset when rumors have come up about this "friend" asking someone else out?
9. Do you feel closer to this "friend" than you've ever felt to someone from the opposite sex?
10. If you're honest, are you falling in love with this "friend"?
Alright, that's not exhaustive, but its a good start.
Here's the thing- I've been down this road. I've done the CF w B and I know the signs and the symptoms by heart.
It actually makes me really sad to see this over and over within the Christian circles I'm connected to. I feel like we're constantly frustrated that we're not married or even dating one person and yet we're willing to jump into an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Does this satisfy? No, it can't. To be ultimately satisfying it would have to result in romantic feelings on both sides, right?
So, the way I see it is that God created us, male and female, to complement one another beautifully. Thank you, Lord! What would we do if we were all the same, really? In this provision he made us, women, to be a helper to the man and he to be a provider and protector of us. What a beautiful and marvelous thing! The problem is that when we're single and finding ways to have those needs met by our male/female friends we're leaving a lot of room for hurt, confusion and embarrassment.
The truth is that women are easily led on. I know, I know, I'm betraying my gender a little here, but I think it's for the greater good. It's true- we are feeling beings and we long to share emotional intimacy with a man, so guys- you being close friends with us creates a level of intimacy that we interpret as romantic. Maybe the guys are thinking this is crazy, but it's the way we're wired.
Likewise- ladies-- guys bond visually and when we're not being modest in our behavior and dress we're inviting them into temptation to not honor us. We're compromising their future marriages, to us or someone else, and we're ultimately hurting ourselves as we wait longer to be affirmed based on other things.
We've got to protect one another and ourselves. We've got to give these guys a break, love them through the craziness of longing for female companionship and nurturing, but we can't allow ourselves to get too close, too bonded. It isn't really our place to be that close to a man who isn't our husband. Guys- you've got to pull back and keep distance from us even when we place ourselves in front of you. If you're not interested in dating us you can't make us your best friend... we're feeling more than that by that point. You've got to be honest and tell us you're not interested- cut us loose. I know this may take alot of courage, but I believe you've got it in you... and I believe you'll be better for having faced it.
Guys should know that just about any girl would say yes to a date. Ladies- you should say yes to dates. There's no harm in going out with someone, spending a little time with them and figuring out if there's part of them that you never noticed in a group. Dating is GOOD. Its nice to go out and be treated kindly - for men and women. So, guys- ask us. We don't bite.
Now, ladies- here's our end of the deal- if they ask we've got to be gracious to them. We can't go back and report all the details to all our friends. We've got to respect them and honor them in their courage to ask us. We've got to allow them to choose and not insist they match with one particular girl in the group.
You can't call dibs on a person you're not in a relationship with- period. That is just ridiculous. Imagine explaining that to someone if they asked you out, "Oh, sorry, the girls and I decided you'd be cute with Sally, so I can't go out with you."
DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED?! For goodness sakes stop trying to control it. Do you want your friends to be married? Stop black-listing and putting dibs on the men around you. Stop the insanity, I beg you.
Christian Friends with Benefits ultimately ends in someone getting hurt. The men may be getting their emotional needs met - we women are created to be mighty fine companions and we love to encourage, build up and nurture others. The gals are feeling validated by the attention from men and protection of having them in our lives - men are wonderfully made to fill this role for us. BUT all these things are dangerous when they're being paid out and received by two people who have no intention (from one side or both) of pursuing a romantic relationship. Typically, in my experience, it is the women who end up hurt, confused and embarrassed.
It makes me sad to see people settling for this. Can we love one another and be in community, men and women, and still be protected from the dreaded C-Friends w Benefits? I think we can. I think it looks like only investing so far and that might be a tough thing to deal with, but we've got to be wise about giving our hearts away.
From my experience with this I will say that it hurt that in the midst of that situation I was: a) in no place to actually meet someone who would want to ask me out, b) confused and hurt most of the time when the end of the day didn't result in a request for a real date, and c) embarrassed that I had, to some extent, fabricated a situation/relationship in my head that really didn't exist in the ways I was imagining.
Does any of this make sense to you? We've got to start being wise about our interactions as single people. We want to be ready and available when our husbands come calling, right? Men, don't you want to be free to ask the woman you're drawn to on a date? We've got to free ourselves from the lies satan is telling us about how great, fulfilling and fun it is to have a friend with benefits. It isn't great. It isn't fulfilling. It isn't fun. Not at the end of the day when we're all just hoping to establish a real connection and relationship with someone.
The single women I know are some of the most incredible women I've ever known. They are kind, loving, compassionate, smart, sophisticated, gifted, beautiful, insightful, courageous and funny.
The single men I know are, likewise, some of the most incredible men I've ever known. They are wise, intelligent, funny, hard workers, deep feelers, handsome, bold, responsible and faithful.
There's a place for each of us and a companion perfectly suited to our needs. God is in control of these things and when our day arrives we will be the first to know it. We can't predict it, we can't plan it out, we can't seek it out... we've got to be patient... and we've got to love one another through it.
9 comments:
wow. Once more I am wowed by your insight and wisdom. Stephen liked it so much that he's subscribed to your blog. Thank you.
Don't worry; I subscribed because I know you, not because I expect your every entry to be awesome.
You're spot on. I remember using certain friendships as a crutch, so that I could enjoy the benefits of female companionship without having to deal with my core emotional issues (or hers). I idealized romantic relationships pretty hard-core, I was afraid of losing the friendship by revealing my feelings, and I was afraid I wouldn't measure up in a romantic relationship. Our culture in general and our Christian microcosm specifically make these hangups tough to deal with, so we need to keep encouraging each other.
Liz, I agree with so much that you wrote in this post. Thank you for your honesty and insight and boldness. We love you!
Messy, messy stuff. Fear of commitment, I guess. Not a great pattern to carry into marriage either. But it's not always cut and dry. Sometimes those imperfect friendships inform us about what we do or do not want for the future. So, while I am right there with you on the theory end... in practice, drawing lines with intimacy can prove to be pretty complex. I mean, what is intimacy after all? A look, a touch, some words exchanged? And isn't it often misinterpreted or miscommunicated? I'm not trying to play devil's advocate. I just have sincerely "been there" as you know. And when I realized that I was being taken advantage of, I let the guy have it with every bit of "guard your heart" mumbo jumbo I'd read in a Christian book. And being instructive to men in that way has again not been the most beneficial trait to offer Eric. Anyway, I'm definitely not opposed to squelching ambivalence and ambiguity... that's all very old to me. But I've also watched several female friends (meaning well) come down hard with pressure and ultimatums on their male counterparts. Still looking for the biblical basis for that. My hope is that more men will teach their sons how to pursue a woman and to discourage women who pursue them. I hope people read your post and just even stop to think about their effect on someone.
Well stated, Liz. While I agree with Becca that it is important to avoid giving men ultimatums or pressure to decide where they are in a relationship prematurely,I also think that the lines of intimacy need to be drawn - by both men and women - carefully and sooner rather than later. If not, someone will end up being hurt and confused. Now, where to draw those lines? That is the question, isn't it? But I think open communication is key. Risking a little rejection in the beginning is better than a broken heart in the end.
Oh, and about dates? Guys, most likely she will say yes. And maybe even twice.
Bravo, Biz! That's a word right there. Can I perhaps clarify for all that what we're talking about here, primarily and practically, is alone time with b-friends (and they indeed are our friends) of the opposite gender? Yes, men and women, even (especially?) single men and women, need one another for insight, balance, HELP. We need friendships of all kinds to be human and carry out the very commands God has asked of us: to love one another. The question Liz raises is just that; What is loving in this situation? Word on the street is, and I ECHO, that it's hard to walk the line folks! It's hard and dare I say selfish to maintain unspoken, unrealistic expectations of one another and then balk at the audacity of him or her when those expectations are finally voiced (many times publicly...shame, shame). Allow me to pull the "been there done that" card and suggest that when the line you are walking causes any number of the symptoms Liz listed at the beginning of her entry-- go to your Father in Heaven, who loves you and has indeed NOT forgotten you are single, and hand your friend over-- as many times as you have to (hint:may take years:) Love him or her from a distance if you have to. After all, there is a God and you are not he. And odds are, God loves your friend more than you do and will ENSURE that you both find the spouse your heart longs for. Carry on...Thanks!
I write this as a decent non-Christian guy. I don't "do" friend with benefits, but most of my closest friends are female. Why don't I do FWB? Because I see no point in casual sex. I don't want to be a j*rk. No really I don't.
This article seems to be from the "men and women can't be friends" school. There are basically two types of "men and women can't be friends" arguments, and they come from opposite ends of the moral spectrum. Both say that sex/romance always gets in the way. One says that if they're just friends, it means that they're just "not playing it right", and should just get stuck into whatever their alleged "real desires" are. The other says the same, but that these desires need to be suppressed.
Both are WRONG. Let's be clear. "Friend with benefits", by definition, involves sex. If it doesn't involve sex, then it isn't "friend with benefits", it's just plain friendship, pure and simple, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is an important differnce... sex makes all the difference. A "friend with benefits" type of relationship only "works" (if that is the right word for it) if there are NO romantic feelings in either direction. Most people, I think, are not emotionally capable of divorcing sex from love as required by such a relationship. Many people think they are, but that doesn't mean they are, and a lot of it is down to peer pressure (i.e. people having casual sex because they think they're supposed to, not particularly enjoying it). I find the idea of sex outside a loving relationship icky, silly and pointless, so I don't do it. I don't need God to tell me it's not my scene because I already know it isn't.
A male/female purely platonic relationship can work even if there are unrequited romantic feelings. It simply means respecting the other's wishes when they say "no thanks". Of course, some people can't handle this. More fool them. If people aren't emotionally secure enough to accept genuine platonic friendship from the opposite sex, then they are missing out on a lot.
Alex-
Thanks for your comment and feedback. I have found that writing this blog has led to much more education on the subject for me than for my readers.
In any case, I'd like to make clear that a lot of what you said is true and I completely see your points.
This blog entry, in particular, was written for my Christian friends who don't do the casual sex thing, but are still in relationships that involve a lot of emotional intimacy that women are misinterpreting as headed toward a romantic relationship. (hence my coining the phrase "Christian FWB") - it is different than friends w/ benefits outside of the Christian community.
I became a Christian as an adult (22) so I completely understand the types of relationships you describe.
I would also agree that male/female friendships aren't to be avoided all together. That was not the point of my blog. My point is that when it doesn't end at friendship for one side, then it isn't really as clean and easy as "we're friends." Typically one person is pinning, manipulating and longing for that person to open their eyes and take the leap with them. (again, this isn't referring to sex - just embarking on an actual dating relationship).
I think we need friends of the opposite sex. For this very reason: we can learn a lot from one another! :) My writing this blog was to help educate some of my guy friends on the ways in which we women work (not every woman, but the ones they're friends with).
Thanks for reading and commenting! I have no idea how you found me, but I'm happy to have readers and people who challenge things I say - You'll never catch me saying I know how it goes 100% of the time and am not in need of help from outside perspectives. So, thanks!
I hope you had a great holiday! peace, biz
you dont no me, but ive been needing help with my friends with benefits situation.
im a christian, and im 15. i tell people that im happy being single, but i would love to find that guy.
and dont get me wrong, there are alot of guys out there that have asked me out. but they just arent good enough.
i probably sound like a brat right now. but im really not.
i consider myself pretty, and so do most people around me. i have long red hair, green eyes, tan skin, and an athletes body. i model for differnt agencies too, so i know its not my looks that arent getting me a guy.
and im pretty sure it isnt who i am either thats not getting me a guy.
anyways, onto the real story.
so i play for a premier state cup club soccer team, and my coaches son is named 'Jack'. well jack and i have been ok-close, but hes 2 years older than me so ive always felt really young when im around him.
until now.
its been really sudden but weve gotten soo close.
it was really fun, but also confusing. so i asked him what 'we' were. and he was like i think your really amazing but we should just be friends right now, and if we hook up in the future we'll take it from there.
i was fine with that, especial since i thought he meant hook up as in make out. (im a virgin!)
but then he was like but you cant hold me accountable if were drunk together, and all this stuff.
then later he was like im really getting this friends with benefits vibe from you.
aand i was just flirting with him after that and stuff.
but as a christian i no its wrong to have sex outside of marriage, but when i hang out or talk with him, it doesnt seem like such a big thing.
like we would just do it for fun.
i need helpppp!
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