What a Lady

"16 He has made my teeth grind on gravel, and made me cower in ashes; 17 my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; 18 so I say, "My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD."
19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! 20 My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. 21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. 26 It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. 27 It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
28 Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; 29 let him put his mouth in the dust— there may yet be hope; 30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
31 For the Lord will not cast off forever, 32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; 33 for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men." -Lamentations 3:16-33

Today is my Mother's birthday. She would have turned 57 today. Every year on my Mom's birthday we would be warned not to buy her anything (she didn't want us spending our money on her) but we never listened. She was the most generous person I know, so not lavishing her with gifts seemed unnatural. I remember a few years ago I gave her a new sewing machine. Hers had been well used hemming mine & my sisters' pants. It was old and the least fancy money could buy, so I went and got her a new one. It was one of the most exciting gifts I gave her and she was so grateful.

Have I ever told about my Mom's cakes? She made cakes semi-professionally when we were kids. She would make them for neighbors and my Dad's colleagues for different occasions. They were pretty incredible. Long before anyone was creating cakes to look like objects, my Mom was thinking up elaborate concoctions. She had a photo album full of pictures of the cakes she had made/could make for people and it was titled "Kathy's Kakes." I remember as a kid looking through that album over and over. There was one cake in particular I loved- it was a typewriter. It looked exactly like a typewriter ...she used rolos to make the keyboard keys. I remember wanting that cake so badly... maybe it was some foreshadowing of all the admin work I would do in my life. :) Yesterday I was looking through some old pictures and I found one of my first birthday cake. We each had the same first cake, including Jake, and it was an amazing giant rocking horse! On my second birthday she made me my own cake and there's a picture of me sitting in front of it with my eyes big and hands mid-air ready to dig in. These cakes were works of love for her. Later on she made them for Jake's birthdays and he was always so excited. I think his second birthday was a giant semi truck- it was incredible.

My Mom's favorite cake for her birthday was an ice-cream cake from Baskin Robbins with pecan praline ice cream and white cake. She would say, "You can get me a cake, but no gifts." It's no wonder I have a sweet tooth. :)

She always made birthdays a huge deal... the most special of days. It was fun to return the favor on her birthday and Mother's Day. It's strange to think I won't celebrate these holidays with her again. In so many ways my Mom was the holidays. They were breaks from her everyday life of caring for other people's children for 12 hours a day. They were glimpses into the whimsy that lived in her soul. She worked so hard for each to capture the essence of what was exciting about that particular holiday. She was such a good Mom. In many ways we lived in a fairytale on holidays & birthdays- elaborate decorations, decadent foods, lots of laughter and all the attention on us. They were dreamy magical days.

I broke a tradition yesterday. Instead of the annual Christmas decorating day (always the day after Thanksgiving growing up) I went shopping at midnight on black Friday with a friend. It was insane, and now I know why my Mom never ever went out on that day. Oh, how I miss her. I can't begin to express the depths of the missing.

This scripture reminds me of God's favor and affection for me. even now. especially now. Reflecting on the loss of my Mom today brings me closer to Jesus. These days when I can cry are the most sacred to me, for when else do I cry out to God with such fervor? I miss my Mom, yes. I'm sad she's gone, yes. But I have a Heavenly Father who sweeps me up in his arms and holds me so close and so tight that the sting of my sorrow is softened... the strength of my cries is weakened... and the joy of my soul is magnified. What a mighty, loving and tender God.