Merry Christmas?

Today is Christmas day. The day we observe remembering the promise kept by God, the birth of a savior. Thank you, Lord!

Today also marks the second Christmas without Mom. First I can say that this year was far better than last year. Everyone seems to be a little more like themselves... I cooked the big breakfast without shedding a tear, Adam got ticked at us for starting without him, and Sarah laughed through the morning.

Becca cried when my Grandmother (Dad's Mom) gave each of us something my Mom had given her over the years. It was a thoughtful token and I remember buying some of them with her. She loved buying gifts - you might even say she was "out of control" with gift giving. Of course, I always benefited from her lack of control, so I'm not complaining. In many ways she supplemented my income with all the gifts year 'round and that has been felt.

So, what can I say about this year... Year Two. It feels more like Christmas than it did last year, but still not the way it used to feel. I'm assuming next year will feel pretty normal since we'll have done this routine twice already. Our new normal.

It still feels surreal that she's gone forever and not out of town. I even dreamt last night that she was out of town and called us to check in. When I woke up I was thinking like that was true and then caught myself.

We press on. We have to. My life in Boston is so different from what my life was like in Dallas. I realize when I'm here how much Boston has become home. Even down to what I eat on a daily basis is so different in Boston than in Dallas. Just weird random stuff. Life keeps moving and I keep moving along with it... I have to say I'm thankful life doesn't stay the same because if this Christmas had been like last year I think I might have bought a ticket for Hawaii and started an entirely new holiday tradition. Christmas in the Tropics.

We're less raw. We're less touchy. We're more appreciative of each other (I think!)... and we all miss her terribly and aren't afraid to mention her. Last year was so crazy- we were all so wounded we couldn't hardly talk about Mom without someone getting irritable or weepy. I'm glad that has softened so we can laugh and remember her again.

She would be so proud of all of us.

Jason couldn't make it home because of his commitment to work. He's such a hard worker and such a dedicated and loving brother. In her absence he has stepped up and reached out to us instead of relying on someone else to be the connector.

Sarah is daily proving to be the incredible Mother that Mom modeled for her. She is constantly striving to be more, do more for a better life for Jake. She's starting a program and will be teaching this time next year and has recently surrendered her life once again to God.

Adam travels most of the month for work and Mom thought this promotion was so cool. He got it right before her last bought of leukemia. He's seeing the country (even if from the airports and suburbs at times) and meeting people every week. He always shows up when we need him and in two days he'll celebrate another birthday without her... she always made it special because his birthday is right after Christmas. We do our best, but he always knew she remembered without the help of anyone else.

Rebecca is grown up now. She's a loving wife striving to make her place in this world. She loves strays, the arts and the environment - just like Mom. She doesn't realize how beautiful she is which makes her oh so charming. She looks just like Mom did at her age.

My life is everchanging and expanding and I'm happy to say I've finally tapped into the home-maker Mom taught me to be. I've been cooking and baking a lot and feeling closer to her each time. Entertaining and giving to others brings me deep joy and I now, more than ever, understand that part of her.

We have entire other sides of us that are pieces of my Dad, so this is somewhat lacking. I suppose since he's still here to fill his role we don't notice as readily how we're like him ... we don't have to step it up because he's still here. Thank you, God!

I have numerous friends hurting this Christmas. Celebrating (maybe) their first one without an important loved one in their presence. I'm so sorry for the loss of '07. It isn't easy to trudge through the first... or two (in my case)... but there is light at the end of the tunnel of grief. There is new life that someday won't feel pushed upon you - that someday you'll be thankful exists. I don't know how you get to the someday, except to say lean on friends & family and take it one step at a time. That's what I did.

Merry Christmas, everyone.