The Real Me.

The real me is a secret. I didn't intend for it to be that way... it just happened. I can remember when I was younger being told I was "emotional" and "dramatic." It always seemed to me that I was different in this way and it wasn't all that super. Growing up there were a lot of things that caused me pain, fear and uncertainty ... my reaction was to be dramatic, but that wasn't ideal, so I taught myself to stuff feelings. It's a tricky business because at any moment someone could expose you and it could be very messy. The fear of being exposed led me to stronger security around the perimeters of my heart.

I dated all the wrong boys, made a lot of decisions in relationships with boys and friends that I'm not proud of today, and began sending myself a very clear message about my identity. I had become "the friend." This is a death sentence during adolescents although I didn't know it then. I figured attention from boys was attention from boys regardless of their romantic feelings for me. I soon found out it wasn't enough - I didn't feel loved.

I have been on a long journey to discover where love has been hiding out. I figured everyone else received a personal invitation and I was left looking for clues as if it were a scavenger hunt for belonging. I found all kinds of false clues along my search and spent many days, months and years recovering from the sting of love escaping me once more.

In my early twenties I felt the call of my Creator to come to Him. It was scary as anything, but as I moved toward Him I realized this is where people had gone... this is the "where" on the invitation to love, but I was still off because I read "the church" instead of "The Almighty, Great I Am." Once again I was hurt, confused and starting to get pretty mad. I made the decision to keep people out since I wasn't sure they could be trusted with the real me... the emotional me.

Over my lifetime I have watched people step back with their feet or eyes as I've disclosed little bits of the depths of my pain, so allowing an imposter self run the show seemed the best way to survive and still have friends. This Imposter has served me so well- too well. She has worked day and night to protect those quiet, soft and often dark places of my soul. In all that protecting I was becoming smaller and smaller - hollowed out and fake. Every hair in its place, every lash perfectly curled and every outfit flawlessly coordinated. Oh the joy I felt from the praise that came from the Imposter's leadership was indescribable. This is what people wanted, so now that was getting in line with that I was finding affection, attention and admiration. It worked for so long.

Two weeks ago it all came crashing down. The Imposter was exposed, the perfect appearance was ripped off and God was standing there just staring at me - the real me. It did not feel good. I felt exposed, embarrassed and foolish for all my efforts to manipulate and trick my way through sanctification. Somewhere in my soul I always knew it would end like this, maybe the Imposter knew and she worked double hard against those fears of exposure. I have been living a life of false security in things that don't matter. I have been lying to myself and others about who I am and how I feel. Worst of all, though, is the way I have alienated myself from God. He, more than any of you, was allowed the least amount of access into my soul. Could he be trusted? What would he do with me if I let him see all these things? He would surely leave me, set me aside and carry on with his children who were real, lovely and devoted to him. I couldn't have the God of the Universe turn his head as so many people had in my life, so I lived on the run. Don't slow down, don't look too deep - keep moving at all costs so he can't catch up to look you in the eye.

When I stopped two weeks ago and let him look me in the eye it was the most painful and healing thing I've ever experienced. The pain from my shame and sorrow for having hidden for so long, the healing in the love that I saw there.

I'm still far from giving God and others full access, but I'm working on it. It's the scariest leg of this journey to date ... and if you know me there have been many seriously scary parts of my journey, but none compare to the fears and doubts of believing God himself loves me beyond limit and I can't do anything to change the degree to which he loves me. That's going to take some time to sink in...

So, here I am. This is me. I'm a mess, I'm scared and I'm so thankful God caught me.