I think I am starting to panic.
Is this what panic looks like? I'm not even sure.
Last night I started listing in my head all the people who have moved away from Boston this year. There are about twelve families/individuals who have already left or will leave in the next few months. I'm sure I'm leaving someone out in my counting, too. Some of these people I only interact with now and then - others, like the Polks, are the reason I moved here! Even my boss at work is leaving. Her last day is tomorrow - did I mention she's the founder, too? Not to mention one of my favorite people & roommate, Gretchen, leaves next Saturday to be in Florida with family for the summer and may permanently move there.
As Kristen said, I am actually experiencing the transient nature of this city this year and I don't like it.
I feel frustrated and sad. I don't want to make new friends. Is that childish? Maybe it is and hopefully I'll get over it... but right now I just feel like stomping my feet and screaming "nobody else can leave!" In reality it just makes me want to bolt. While I was in Dallas I kept trying to imagine living there again, but I really couldn't see myself liking it and being glad I moved back.
Kelly told me that when she and Bob started getting serious he told her that if she committed to living here she'd have to make new friends every year and they would be younger and younger. Oh man. I thought I was one of the most people-friendly people I knew - I had myself pegged as "the girl who loves to meet new people." What happened to me? Did I really love to meet new people or did I just love to meet new ones so long as my core group was in tact? ouch.
I am, by no stretch of the imagination, friendless in Boston. I have some of the most incredible people around me for which I am grateful! That circle, however, is currently shrinking.
It really comes down to loss. People don't belong to us, they belong to the Lord. People leave. People get sick. People die. People move away. People drift apart. That's life, right? Separation is a part of life in this broken world. It is a part that we are not designed for and it leads to all kinds of suffering. I am so ready for a day when there is no more separation from the ones we love. I look forward to eternity when we can all be together without the fear of loss.
I hate loss. I hate separation. I'm not good at it and I probably never will be. Meghann (my other incredible roommate) said to me last night that she doesn't think it is humanly possible to get used to losing people. To find some standard of reaction when experiencing separation is impossible. We were not meant for this.
This world is not my home. I need to stop trying to make it so.
2 comments:
Man - did this paragraph hit home for me, Liz:
"Oh man. I thought I was one of the most people-friendly people I knew - I had myself pegged as "the girl who loves to meet new people." What happened to me? Did I really love to meet new people or did I just love to meet new ones so long as my core group was in tact? ouch."
I am totally that person. It hurts every time I realize it.
~Rachel
Hi Liz - It's me, LA Liz. Totally know what you are going through. I lived it for 5 years until we left. (And I didn't want to leave. I left kicking and screaming and had to struggle with making perhaps the greatest sacrifice of my married life.) Even though we faced heartache every year from losing dear friends, I still loved it and would have stayed forever if it had been the Lord's will.
What got me through all of those times when people would leave was looking at how transient Jesus' life was. People came and went in his life constantly. Also, Tim Keller has said that you need to reinvent your community every few years in places like NYC, Boston. Totally challenging, forcing one out of their comfort zone. It's so hard. It sucks. Yet I still believe that community takes on a different meaning in Boston / CTK, it means family. Somehow it is richer, deeper even while it might be brief for many. It's a taste of heaven. It is truly special and unique. I'm not sure that we'll ever experience that type of community again, though I hope we do. We yearn for it, we strive for it here in LA where it is sooooo much harder to build. So, keep your eyes on the prize and know how important you are as a leader in that community and the amazing impact that you'll have on others' lives as you warmly embrace them.
Sending you much love and blessings, Liz
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