Holidaze

I'm in a daze. Christmas is right around the corner and I've barely done a thing to get in the spirit of the holidays. My sweet roommates put up a Christmas tree and other decorations. It looks really festive and fun, but it hasn't sparked that holiday excitement in me.

My heart is heavy for a number of reasons.

One new development is that one of my coworkers was fired last Friday, so work has been incredibly tense as the staff grieve and increase their loads. We're all in fight or flight mode, I think. She was such an important part of the team and will be greatly missed! Today I have the pleasure of taking a road trip up to Lawrence to look at office furniture. I'm actually looking forward to the car ride alone and the tasks outside of the office.

I've noticed a pattern in my life when dealing with loss. I struggle to be patient in finding a new normal. I'm a nester - I nest - I get into routine and I flow in and out of days and weeks with ease because there is a routine, the expected, the known. When something shifts and the routine is fractured part of my heart aches in a way that keeps me from hunkering down to welcome the new normal. I suppose in all the struggle a new normal always reveals itself, but my heart resents it.

I'm not making an argument that there isn't sin in this pattern, but I do think there is something deeply woven into my being that conflicts with this broken world. Broken people, broken relationships, broken circumstances - they aren't supposed to be this way. We aren't supposed to be tossed and turned - we were made for solid foundations that are all powerful and never changing. We were made for harmony and perfect love among one another and between us and God. We were made to be united and not torn apart.

Loss is a part of life in a broken world. I hope it never feels normal because it is a constant reminder that there is a better place - a perfect home with a loving Father that never leaves or foresakes us. This Advent season, as I contemplate God's great love for me by the birth of his son, my Redeemer, my heart longs for the perfect unity and love of eternity. My hope is in Him who redeemed me at a great cost to himself because he can't stand the thought of me falling away... always roaming and wondering what is normal. He is my constant, my strength, my help in times of sorrow and in times of great joy, my normal. 

I long to take refuge under the wings of my Savior, and my hope is that he will lead me there on this side of eternity.