2555

That's how many days I've lived without my Mom. Tomorrow, Februrary 23, marks seven years since  she died. Isn't that a crazy word - died. It's weird, I know, but sometimes I say it like that just to sock me in the gut and force me to feel the reality. As each year passes, it takes more to double me over in anguish over the depth of the missing. 

Don't misunderstand, my heart aches every.single.day. but it is a dull ache, ever present and yet ready to pounce when life gets really intense and overwhelming. It just so happens that such a season is upon me as I've uprooted my life and moved to Houston. Lately I find myself watching days pass as if I am a spectator of my own life. Most of the time I'm a fan of the main character [me], but then the silence starts to make my brain rattle and I turn it off to avoid understanding it and even (gasp) loving it. 

Living alone sounded so good and I am not interested in having a roommate, but living alone without any friends is an entirely different story. 

I'm thankful I won't be alone this weekend - I have a friend visiting from Boston. We are going to have a quintessential Texas weekend with the big Houston Rodeo festivities starting with horseback riding tomorrow. I don't have a good track record with horses, but it does take me back to the days as a kid when we owned horses (yes, my parents tried many hobbies). We had 2 horses and a pony! The pony, Spunky, and one of the horses, Katy, were kinda mean. The other horse, Lady, was really sweet and older, I think. Anyway, my Mom was cleaning Katy's hoof once after an injury and my Dad was supposed to be holding the reigns and watching her head and (according to my Mom) he wasn't paying close enough attention because Katy flung her head and bit my Mom in the back. I can still picture the bite mark - it was a big purple circle. 

I love that my parents had lots of hobbies and that they went all in. I struggle with the same pattern, and wonder if my Mom ever felt like a failure when she dropped hobby #43 and then began a new one. I kinda doubt it because it never held her back from jumping in with both feet to the next endeavor. 

I'm rambling. I miss my Mom and am kinda in shock that it has been 7 years since I've heard her voice across the room, seen her asleep under her cat throw blanket with Matlock on the TV, or tasted her kolaches she spent months mastering. She was an incredible mother, and I must say that my resilience and willingness to take risks comes from her. What a gift!