This very hour one year ago I was sitting with my entire family around my Mom's hospital bed praying, singing and crying... waiting for Jesus to call her home.
As I flew home to Dallas last night memories of that day flooded my mind. The call in the middle of the night that her heart rate was dropping and the rush to get there and be with her. The ten hours we sat with her waiting... just waiting for death to come. The night before she died we went to her bedside- all of us- and told her that "tomorrow you're going to come home" and she replied "okay!" Those were her last words to us. We had no idea that she was going Home the next day as we were preparing for hospice care. She knew. She told my sister the week before that she was sorry that it was time to stop fighting. She knew. It would be just like her to know- she was always such a know-it-all. :)
I remember praying that morning that God would come quickly- that he would not tarry in freeing her from this broken body. His mercy was boundless.
When I think about it I find myself amazed that He gave her so much time in such a frail state. I remember that last day I can honestly say that she used every last bit of her life- she did not have any physical life left to live. Her body had given in to disease and slowly her mind followed.
I think what I miss the most is her mind. Her thoughts, laugh and commentary on life. She always had something to add. At times this was the quickest way to make my blood boil and now I wish I had cherished it more. I wish I had read to her more in the hospital... visited more. It was so hard to be there and to face her inconsistent state of confusion. I was selfish. I did what was comfortable for me and couldn't get past that to stand by her with more devotion at the end. I was scared. I was sad. I was angry... I was all these things that in the end would have existed either way although now I was with them and without more time with her.
What about life now? What about stepping into today and tomorrow without a Mom? I suppose one could say I have now done that for 365 days - isn't that nuts? I feel like I'll never get used to it. I wish I didn't have to.
This pain- this sorrow- it's part of life. Without it the wonderful things wouldn't taste as sweet.
Today I am remembering my Mom the way I do everyday... for who she was in my life.
My Mom baked the best banana bread in the world.
My Mom could cook anything well on the first try.
My Mom could fill a room with laughter and taught us to let go & laugh at life.
My Mom taught me the value of discipline and correction.
My Mom challenged me to match her generosity for the poor and hurting.
My Mom believed I could be anyone I wanted to be.
My Mom always picked up the pieces.
My Mom believed a good cry could heal many wounds.
My Mom always knew which way was up.
My Mom could cook, clean, build, repair and shop like no person I know.
My Mom never stopped wanting more from life- always planning ahead.
My Mom took risks in faith it would work out.
My Mom devoted her life to the loves of her life- her family.
My Mom had dreams and encouraged us to have them too.
I could go on for days. In all her failing and flaws she still stands out as a remarkable woman- an amazing Mother. There will never be a milestone or day, even, that she is not missed. Her absence will always be felt and I will always look ahead with great anticipation to our reunion.
I'll leave you with the Eulogy Sarah wrote for the funeral last year- Becca read it that day:
For our mother:
We feel it’s unjust that we have to sit here and write to you in words the depth of our love, respect and admiration for you. Because no matter how much we write or how eloquent we put our thoughts to paper, it wouldn’t even begin to tap into or do justice to the feelings that run so deep inside each one of us.
We’re trying to imagine what life will look like without you in it. You were always a mother first, and because of that, you were a part of everything. No matter how close or how far we lived from you, you were HOME. For so long, you have been our place of love and refuge in this crazy, mixed up human world. You were our gift from God to help us navigate through still and restless waters. And we thank you, mom, for your tireless efforts to encourage us to be solid, productive, loving, strong, compassionate people. Because of you, we became the kind of people that see the value of endless grace, generosity and human kindness. But what we will remember and cherish the most will be your unfailing love for us. You showed us how to love in small and big ways. The small ways over a lifetime add up to be pretty big.. but what they mean to us are the tokens of love scattered along the way that always reminded us that you were in our corner. All the times we came to you the night before a project was due and we didn’t know where to start, and never letting us sit around too long feeling sorry for ourselves after a big disappointment, hemming pants the day of an important interview, being a short order cook for the whole lot of us and let us not forget the countless times we dug into your purse for a 10 spot. You were always available. And all of those little things, were amazing and important.. and we hold them so dear to us. And in many ways, they are what life’s all about. But Mom, the big ways you loved us.. those ways are what truly defined us as people. Because frankly, when you decide to have 6 children.. at any given time, one of us always had a big life issue we were facing. You never gave up on any of us. Never. You wept for us when we were lost, you fought for us when we were in battles bigger than ourselves, and you celebrated with us in all our successes. And we love you for being our compass when we lost perspective, and our sounding board when we needed to vent, and our cheerleader when we didn’t think we had one more ounce of courage left. We knew we could always look to you to love us. We are all so different.. and you embraced our differences and loved us differently and equally and unconditionally. And lady, we loved being loved by you.
The hardest part of our relationship with you was watching you struggle with a body that couldn’t keep up with your amazing spirit. You fought like a champion.. and we can say, without a doubt, Ali had nothing on you, kid. You are OUR hero. For so many reasons. And watching you go through your struggles with such honor, dignity, perseverance and courage is a legacy that will never be taken for granted. It has taught us to be better human beings.. Better Christians. Your sacrifice and struggle brought many of us closer to God. Your life gave us gifts that transcend what we have here on Earth. Because in some ways, for some of us, you lead us to Heaven too. How incredible is that. So, while we miss you here, we know you are helping God prepare us all a home for a later date. And He’s lucky, because you’re really quite good at that. And that’s what we’re going to hold onto until we see you again. To know you are busy doing what you are best at.. but without a broken body.. without pain.. without struggle. And besides, you have one more baby to raise up there that’s been waiting for you a very long time. And you KNOW Grandpa’s not changing any diapers. Give Daniel & Grandpa a kiss for us. We will never forget. We will never stop missing you. And we never, never stop loving you.
Forever Yours, Jason, Sarah, Adam, Rebecca, Elizabeth and Jake.
For us, this isn’t real. This service, this memorial, the formality of it all… it is beautiful and we appreciate the love and respect so many people have for our us and our mom. But what’s real for us, is when the dust settles and daily life resumes .. and we need to remember a recipe for one of her dishes, face the holidays that she always made so incredibly special..or we have news of a promotion or an engagement we are so eager to share with her… or we just got really devastating news and we need the kind of comfort only a mom can give. Our mom won’t be missing much from her perspective as she watches us from the arms of our Heavenly Father, but … we will feel the deep, indescribable missing part of ourselves, our sweet mother, until we can be with her again. The only part of missing her that we can take comfort in is that she is finally free. Free of so much heartache, disappointment, pain and struggle.. free to run in a new body .. a body that will never betray her. And we imagine her with the life she always deserved.. a life better than this world has to offer.. a life only God can provide. And we know Jesus is the only one that could create a place that is big enough to handle a spirit like hers. There’s no one else but Him that could take such sweet, gentle care of our beautiful mother.
We loved her in this world.. and we will love her in the next.
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