Alright... Alright...

Here I am writing an entry with nothing in particular to write about. I hate doing this. Every time I start an entry like this I delete it. You see, I have another blog where I ramble about mindless daily activities and consider all the ways I could entertain myself without spending any money. Here I always feel an obligation to make a point. Is that necessary? I don't know.

I will tell you that today I did a horrible thing and I feel horrible about it. My coworker, Calvin... an amazing pal, was being amazing and cleaning the leftover dishes nobody claimed at the end of the week. (we have a dishes issue in our office) In any case, while he was cleaning he was talking to a friend on his cell phone with it clinched between his shoulder and ear. Can you picture that? Well, as he ended his call I was standing there and thought I'd be a pal and take the phone so he didn't have to stand there with it balanced on his shoulder while he cleaned. In a split second move I went to grab it and misread his movement to think he was okay with it on his shoulder, so I let go and into the sink it slid! I was HORRIFIED! His new cell phone sitting in the bottom of a bowl of bubbles and water- completely submerged. He grabbed it and we frantically opened it up and tried drying pieces of it- battery, back etc. When I left the office he was still airing it out. I have no idea if I permanently broke it. I can't believe that happened. What a crappy way to end the week. I guess I need to email him to see if it is dead. :(

The past week or two... or three, if I'm honest, have been rough. I've been down and missing my Mom. The fall air does this to me. The holidays are a huge deal to her.... were a huge deal to her. The stress I feel over my finances, my new position at work, my relationships, my siblings... all of it is intensified by my inability to debrief with her. I hate death. I hate separation. It is so clearly not what a perfect God would intend for his beloved children to experience. Why oh why that stinkin' apple!

I listened to my "Jesus Wept" cd (homemade mix of songs that make me immediately cry) on my drive home tonight from dinner with friends. I listened to Nichole Nordeman's "Every Season" and I cried so hard I decided I was being really irresponsible putting that cd on in the car while driving. I listened anyway. If you haven't heard this song of her song, "I AM" you should check them out. My friend Avery sang "I AM" at the funeral. Every time I listen to this cd I skip those two, so they still have a lot of power to cause me to burst into tears. I'm glad I have them.

I wish everyone knew what it felt like to miss someone this badly. I think it could change the world. To really know the gut wrenching sorrow that makes you feel as though you'll drown if you touch it too long. It has been hard to breathe and hard to sleep again lately. I wake in the night and my dreams are full of Mom. She's been well in them this time around, but is typically trying to control things, comfort me or enjoy the scene. It is always painful to wake up and realize it was only a dream and not a memory of last week or last month.

I wish I could sit in her living room... her kitchen... that bedroom. Any room in our old house- those walls held parts of her and sounds from my past that I can't ever access again. I'm sad it's gone. I'm sad I can't go home for Thanksgiving. I'm sad I have to spend it with new people here. I love these people, but it just isn't the right crowd. I'm sad I'm forced to accept a new normal and all the change. I'm sad I'm on my own- really on my own for the first time in my life. Some days I feel like an orphan.

I guess I should have warned this would be a grief entry. I had no idea it would be... well, maybe I had some idea as I just spent the last hour crying. :) These words won't change your life- or mine and they certainly won't eliminate the pain, but it feels good to be honest about how crappy this sorrow feels sometimes.

ps- I'm walking this week in the Light the Night walk for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society of America & would love your support: http://www.active.com/donate/ltnbcom/2116_BostonLiz