The Core of Things

Alright, I feel like I need to clarify. I forget sometimes when I'm just writing my thoughts out on here that people are reading them and will respond. On some level I know this, but there's another part of me that likes to think my thoughts and not be told how wrong they are... I suppose those thoughts should go in my journal, not on my blog. :)

So, let me share some more of the motivation for this layout... after I read Kristen's comment I looked back at the blog which the night before I had thought was beautiful- I liked each of the three pictures at the top very much- but it made me laugh at how "dramatic" it seemed in light of her commet. There were numerous "cheery" photos, but I feel like I've been steadily moving into a season of stripping away the insincere "life is great" grin on my face and replacing it with the realization that I need Jesus.

These latest events in my life have led me to the Cross asking a lot of questions. Some of those questions I'm not even sure I should be asking and others I desperately want answers to which makes me think I won't get any.

I had a thought yesterday - having my core group of friends all experience significant life changes in the last few months - so significant that they actually, in some ways, changed the landscape of our friendship (not for the worse necessarily, just not the way things were before) has been very unsettling to me. It has left me feeling shaky and uncertain about where my security can be found. In that, I've asked the right questions, I think... where is my security found? In relationships. In which relationships? In my friendships and connections to my family. What's wrong with that? Friendships and other relationships change - they always will - and you can't control that and protect yourself from loss. In what relationship should you be finding your security? In my relationship with Jesus. My Savior. The Everlasting. The Unchangeable I Am.

This scares me to pieces. I have never relied solely on Jesus - I have never looked to Him and only Him as my security, my hope. I have needed my community... my friends...my family. I have needed them so much I've suffocated them on occasion.

I still need them.
But who I really need is Jesus. I need him to be near to me and to be my core. I need to know that when everything around me seems to be changing (that scripture about shifting sand keeps coming to mind... what verse is that?) that he will be steadfast, strong and solid to lean on. I need to get to know him. I need the solitude and space to learn to let the silence speak... to let God speak.
I fill my life with so many things so that I don't have to sit still and listen. I never was good at sitting still - maybe it was the A.D.D., maybe it was the unique way God made me full of energy - maybe it was both. I'm seeing the path being cleared for me to sit still... to be still... to lean on Jesus and let him take care of me.
I'm nervous.

I've also been recently smacked in the face with my own jealousy. Oh how ugly it is! I had no idea I was a jealous person - I know that seems hard to believe, but I didn't realize that was what all the possessiveness and controlling behavior that makes my family INSANE really was. The thing is, God has shown me in the last couple of days that my jealousy is directly linked to where I've entrusted the core of myself... in my friends and family. If I would entrust my soul to him alone then I would be fulfilled because he returns our affection, attention and care ten fold.

Its all still coming together in my head, but all that to say that I didn't intend for this new design to be a "downer." I intended for it to convey the new season I believe God is calling me into - a season of reflection and dependence on him alone. Stripping me of my pride and some of my most cherished friendships so that I might seek him and find him in it.
Bare with me... I have full confidence that at some point a cheery layout will return here, but for now I feel like being whatever this one is being... :)