I am feeling defiant. I am harboring resentment. I am being selfish. I am wallowing in despair. I am slow to bestow grace. I am quick to judge. I am angry. I am sad. I am frustrated. I am full of sin.
I fell apart last night. I knew it was coming. If you're emotional (whatever that means) like I am you might know what I mean by feeling a burst coming on. I've been stressed over a number of things and the pent up anxiety came flowing out last night. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fun. It wasn't even all fair. It was just a complete dive into the indulgence of sorrow. Some of it is rooted in things that I believe grieve God, but some of it was sin.
Here's the list of life changes that I cried about last night... mostly because they've been out of my control and left me feeling vulnerable, frustrated and/or full of grief.
1. My Mom died February 23, 2006.
2. My friend from college, Lindsay, was diagnosed this week with leukemia.
3. Kristen moved to Waco in May.
4. Gretchen is moving to Florida on Aug 4.
5. It doesn't look like I'll be with my current organization much longer and I have no idea what I'll do next or where I'll be.
The advice I got to combat this despair was to focus on thankfulness. Being thankful. I can do that. I can be thankful, right? What am I thankful for? hmmm...
Okay, I'll try to make a counter list.
1. In the midst of sorrow and suffering, God has revealed his passionate love for me through the community he has surrounded me with in Boston.
2. Lindsay love Jesus. and she young and in great health to face this battle.
3. Kristen's friendship has been a part of my life for 15+ years. She's not going anywhere.
4. I am thankful I had the chance to know Gretchen and that we'll be friends for the rest of our lives.
5. The opportunities God has provided at work have been above and beyond my expectations. I can rest assured he has a perfect plan for what is next.
Wow, it does kind of quiet the panic. You should try it...
Oh! one more...
I'm thankful God has provided a trip out of town at JUST the right time! I leave tomorrow morning for California!
3 comments:
Well I'm thankful for you and people like you who grieve WITH loved ones, like Jesus did/does, but also encourages loved ones, just like Jesus did/does. Thanks for being a good friend!
you are a sweetie...
and i will be praying for lindsay and tell my friends about her so they can pray as well...
I'm so excited about your trip to California! It will be great to be with your family and get away from the stresses of real life! Have a blast!!
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Lettuce talk about it...