20 Hours Alone: God & An Orphan

Friday afternoon I headed north to New Hampshire to stay the night alone in a friend's cottage on a small lake. The drive was really pretty and I was able to catch up with Kristen on the phone. It was a great way to start the weekend.

I stopped at a grocery store near the lake to get some snacks and drinks for the night then arrived at the cottage by 4:00pm. It took me half an hour of standing in the rain, climbing into an unfinished cob-webbed basement and feeling around for a key hook that was more obviously placed than I had anticipated before I got inside. While fidgeting with the lock a giant bug landed on my arm at which point I screamed, wacked it off and hurried to get the door open. I carried in my two bags, nail kit and three grocery bags for one night with the realization that I am, in fact, a city girl. By 4:30pm I had taken my shoes off, turned off my phone and was gazing out over the lake from the couch. It was a serene view.

I made the decision not to turn my phone back on unless there was an emergency until I was on the road headed home. After accepting that challenge I took it one step further and committed not to get my iPod out either. Total silence. Just me, God and some books.

I was bored within 15 minutes and took a little catnap on the couch as I listened to the rain. It was so calming. I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to actually nap anymore. so sad. After a dinner of cheese, crackers, olives, humus, carrots and hot tea (again, city girl all the way) I settled in with a book I've been trying to finish. From Fear to Freedom by Rose Marie Miller.

I read all evening and finished the night off with a couple chapters from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe before falling asleep at 9pm. I know, I know ... but the reading really wore me out! This morning I spent time reading Galatians, finished From Fear to Freedom, and journaled.

Here's what I learned during my 20 hours of solitude:
1. I live as if I am an orphan. I live like I don't have a Father in Heaven who loves me beyond measure and would die for me.
2. I want to live as a daughter, not an orphan, but I'm scared and don't know how - more evidence of my orphan mentality.
3. I can not build up my record of righteousness to please God and secure my place in eternity. I am judged solely on the righteousness of Christ and what he did for me - I don't have to live in fear of making mistakes and angering God. I am free from condemnation!
4. Likewise I can't earn affection from others and do enough good things to warrant their care for me. This is a particularly difficult one for me as I've spent my life working to earn love.
5. God loves me. He loves me in such a powerful way that I can't even comprehend it in its entirety for it is too great, too deep, too wide and too magnificent for my human flesh to understand.

I wish I could say these things will change my life. I hope they will. I pray they will! I know that I will struggle my whole life with not believing God loves me and not understanding the gravity of what he did for me on the cross, but for today I feel so thankful. I am so grateful for his faithfulness to show me over and over that he loves me. He never grows faint and he never gives up on me.